The "I Statement"- What is it?
An old technique I learned during peer mediation training in middle school, the I Statement is essentially just a statement of ownership in an argument. Say your loved one has just scoffed at your new haircut that you think makes you look like a million bucks. Instead of yelling, swearing, and causing an outright scene (remember, your scenes can be caused in public or within the four walls of your home), use an I Statement.
An I Statement goes as follows,
I feel (insert your emotion) when you (insert act of other party/parties) because (tell them why).
Examples:
"I feel jealous when you flirt with other girls because it makes me feel undesirable."
OR
"I feel angry when you leave your shoes in the middle of the floor because it is dangerous for both of us."
Why you should use I Statements
- Since I Statements show ownership, they can help decrease defensiveness in an argument. As you are taking responsibility for your feelings, the other person(s) will have less room to feel attacked or victimized.
- I Statements are clear expressions of the issue that is causing trouble. It is all too easy, in an argument, to ramble on about everything that is wrong, but using an I Statement works to help focus your thoughts. These statements are structured in a manner that will help you pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering you and how you feel about it.
- As I Statements are short, they will help you verbalize your thoughts without anything 'extra'. While some people do seemingly thrive off of long drawn out dramatic affairs when arguing, most of us probably just want whatever it is that is bothering us to go away...fast. When you use an I Statement you are using a short phrase that packs a big punch, so the risk of rambling or throwing a tantrum is minimal!
- More on the brevity of I Statements, these are super effective for those of us who would rather do anything but have an argument. Although it takes a does of courage and patience to use an I Statement, their short length helps the 'less argue inclined' folks with a way to say as little as possible while saying all that needs to be said.
Sarai Garnett - Sarai Garnett believes that every day brings promise for great experiences. Holding a B.A. in Interpersonal and Organizational ...
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